Recently I hosted a ladies wine night at my house which consisted of a ton of wine, appetizers, vegan cheesecake that was a hit or miss depending on who you asked, trash talking, confessions of daddy issues and some deep revelations about ourselves few of us hadn’t even realized or admitted to others prior to three glasses of wine and a room full of estrogen.

After we all had a few drinks we did an activity where we were tasked to select ten qualities we had to have in a man and our top 3, out of a list of over 30 qualities. Though each of us chose different qualities the one thing we all agreed on was attraction, because…who wants to be with someone they aren’t attracted to? After we all discussed our reasoning for why we chose those qualities we talked about some of the guys from our pasts or present that either lacked or exuded those qualities. ( i’m not bragging but…yes I am, my fiancé happened to have all of mine. )

So then the night took a turn. We were asked by our lovely cohost to say the qualities we felt we lacked that may have aided in failed relationships or us being single – being the only one who was engaged I thought I was safe, but nope, I had to confess all of my relationship sins and things I felt I needed to improve on in my relationship or in myself, which after a few glasses, who is really shy anymore? So I did and doing so made me think of the many things we as women often bring to relationships or carry with us that are just downright unhealthy. Here are 5 things you absolutely must let go of in your current or next relationship to reach inner harmony and peace within your relationship.

Snooping 

So who hasn’t played inspector gadget at least once? I’d be lying if I said I hadn’t more than a few times. The result is either hurt feelings or fleeing satisfaction that nothing was found until the next time we decide to snoop again. After deciding to let this very bad habit go I can admit that i’ve felt much better about myself and my relationship. In deciding not to go through my fiancé’s stuff I’m not just putting my trust in him but in myself and in God because I wholeheartedly believe that it is a part of his plan that we are together. Do I ever get urges? Yes. Do I feel like I’m making the right decision by trusting him? Yes. Who really wants to be with someone that is constantly looking for something to be wrong? You have to trust yourself and your ability to choose a trustworthy partner. If you are deciding to be with them you are deciding to trust that you made the right decision and not drive yourself crazy constantly looking for something to be wrong. If all else fails trust the old saying, “What’s done in the dark always comes to light.” Trust your intuition, trust your partner and trust your ability to choose a partner that is trust worthy.

Acting a fool during disagreements

Even though wine is no longer aiding in my honesty i’ll just go ahead and keep it all the way real. I’ve had more than a few episodes of less than lady like behavior. I’ve destroyed things, yelled, cussed and became so engulfed in my own feelings I was unable to function until things were back to normal. Prior to my current relationship I dated someone who all of the above was not only normal to but encouraged. At 17 years old my 21  year old ex pretty much attempted to erase all of the fairytale love story thoughts I had about relationships and wanted me to be something I was not. He constantly caused fights and wanted me to yell and be angry towards him because that was his normal. Eventually I followed suit and brought all of that craziness and anger right along with me to my next relationship *cues bag lady* I was a mess. I didn’t know how to have a disagreement without a few cuss words slipping out, hopping out of a car screaming or throwing Harold’s chicken in his face was just another argument. Yes embarrassing enough and now hilarious looking back all of these things did happen. Luckily I was able to grow out of this behavior and had someone patient enough to give me the time to do so. Yelling and screaming or acting a complete fool does not mean you love someone more, it means you are emotionally immature. The more we grow and understand what it really means to love someone we know that this behavior is not only grossly unnecessary it’s extremely detrimental to our relationships. Sis you have to let that anger go and allow yourself to be happy. Have enough respect not only for your relationship but for yourself that you don’t allow anger to justify ugly behavior. Take a yoga class, meditate, read your bible, write in your journal whatever it is that you need to do to calm down. But certainly don’t take it out on the person who loves you the most.

Taking kindness for weakness

This is something I shared in common with a few of the ladies that night, maybe you too can relate. Have you ever had a guy you were head over heels for but he treated you with indifference? Perhaps your pride just wouldn’t allow him to treat you as such so you drove yourself crazy trying to find ways for him to like you. In the same sense have you had a man give you the world and for some reason it just wasn’t enough? You always found something to complain about, something that was in some way wrong with him and despite your indifference he only loved you harder while you continued treating him like an option and couldn’t stop chasing Mr. Wrong? Why are we meaner to men who like us? Is it that we don’t truly even like ourselves so we despise any man that does? Do we chase after men that don’t like us because we are trying to prove to them and to ourselves that we are truly deserving of love? Is it all just a silly game to us? What is that? Why do we treat the people who love us the worst while vying for the attention of a man who could care less about us? Whatever it is ladies we have to let that go. Chasing a man almost always ends in disaster and besides a man who truly wants you would not allow you to chase him. The man who is meant for you will tell you and show you and hopefully when that time comes you will love yourself enough to not treat him poorly for loving you or for not being the man who doesn’t love you.

Unwillingness to compromise

Compromise is essential pretty much in every aspect of day to day life. In friendships, work relationships, familial and romantic relationships in some way we have to compromise. Sometimes, especially after being single for long periods of time we get so use to doing things our own way we fight so hard and reject anything that sounds like we have to come close to giving up or changing anything we’ve become accustomed to. It’s ok to like things a certain way and it’s perfectly fine to have your own way of doing things but you have to realize that relationships are not just about one, but two people. Imagine you stepping into a man’s life and instantly you are forced to change everything about yourself and fit into a bubble he has already created for you. Often we do this to the men in our lives without even realizing it. Maybe he didn’t do the dishes the way you like them to be done, perhaps he stayed out a little longer with the guys than you are use to, maybe he left the toilet seat up more times than you can count. It could be something much less petty like adjusting to school or work schedules or maybe you or he has children. Whatever it is you have to be willing to give a little to get a little. You can’t expect another person to fit perfectly into your bubble as they shouldn’t expect that from you. You have to decide what you are and are not willing to compromise on and see where you can meet in the middle in order to have a relationship where both people feel like their needs are being met and they are truly being heard.

Bringing up the past 

I have been guilty on many occasions of using past indiscretions to win arguments, start arguments, or end them as who wants to really have a conversation with someone who is constantly bringing up old stuff? In my mind I was using things that happened in the past as a way to protect myself or guard myself from being hurt again not realizing I was doing the opposite to myself and to my partner. By bringing up the past you aren’t just bringing it up you are living it. How can you move forward in life, if your mind is still on the argument you had 3 years ago and how you always felt like he should have given you a better apology? If you are deciding to be with a person what are you gaining by holding all of the bad experiences you’ve had with them captive. You chose to stay, you chose to hopefully forgive them, so you also have to chose to move on. Imagine if someone in your life constantly brought up a mistake you made five years ago. You probably aren’t even the same person you were then. How would it make you feel? How would it make you feel towards that person? You likely wouldn’t want to be around them much less date them. You have to let allow yourself to forgive and move on so you and your partner can create beautiful memories while moving forward from the bad ones.

Ashley Renee is a soul food enthusiast, sometimes vegetarian, spoken word poet, who doesn’t trust boxed macaroni or cats. keep up with her @ashleyreneepoet on twitter & instagram also check out her website.